The
Donor
Chapter 2
The next day Terry didn't have the stomach to
make the rounds or even to read the want ads again. He stood at the phone booth
holding a pair of dimes and the card with the phone numbers from the night before.
He thought of the faces of the men who'd given him the numbers. barely interested,
fading into the twilight of the bar.
He called Mary Thiele.
Mary's voice sounded richer now, and she had
fewer precious idiosyncracies in speech. She didn't sound surprised to hear
his voice -- just pleased.
"Come on over right away," she said.
"Dylan's at summer school and I want you to myself for a while."
She lived on the un foggy eastern slope of Diamond
Heights, a dozen uphill blocks from the phone Terry had used. He walked, feeling
better already as he chugged up the sunny hillside past the rows of little pointed
houses poking their peasant faces over their tiny front yards abandoned to wild
pink valerian or stiff with shorn boxwood or juniper topiary. He found Mary's
house easily. The upper story of the bungalow was reached by a long rickety
wooden staircase whose stability was threatened by a furious growth of nasturtiums
and tiny pink roses. As he came up the stairs he saw that the windows were crisscrossed
with mystical artifacts, all different. He was startled coming up to the door
by the bright colors of the god's-eye woven of ravelly yarn on rough twigs.
Startled again to see that it was painted, not real. It looked so real he could
anticipate the rasp of the woolen fibers if he touched it.
Mary answered the door in a big canvas smock
and well-preserved jeans with tiny paint stains over all. She wore a leather
thong hung with a complex array of talismans. She looked a little paler, a little
slenderer than Terry remembered her, though she was not in the least insubstantial
even yet. She embraced Terry as a long lost brother and drew him into the apartment
which impressed him as a glow of light and air. There she held him at arm's
length and squinted at him through the light. She clearly did that a lot, squinting:
though her skin was firm and unlined elsewhere, she had a deep set of crow's-feet.
"So how are things with you, Terry? What
brings you back to the City?" That arrogant San Franciscan trick, as if
there were one city and all the others were not cities but something else, something
lesser.
Terry sank warily into one of th soft roundish
things that seemed to serve the purpose of chairs. "I kept hearing this
was the capital of the homosexual nation and I decided I had better see for
myself." Apparently this was his week for blurting.
Mary settled cross-legged on the floor flanked
by a small table topped with brushes and paints and mysterious small tools,
and a rank of baskets with yarns disposed by color. Behind her stood a tall
tapestry loom with about half a presumably allegorical weaving on it. "I'm
not so sure," she said. "Events don't always seem to bear it out.
There's a lot of society here, anyway, if not much capital."
The startling thing was her lack of surprise.
He hadn't said anything before he left: he had been trying, still, to think
that he was only attracted to Eurick, not men in general. And he'd never written
about it. Either she had lost the capacity for surprise, or she'd figured it
out herself, maybe before he did.
"So -- how do you like it so far?"
she asked.
"I really don't know," Terry said,
relating his Castro street adventures and yesterday's strange interview as humorous
anecdotes. "But the food's good at least."
He looked around. The room was clearly Mary's
studio as much as it was a living room. Her work hung on the walls and leaned
against the floor. The only sign of Eurick was the repetition of a figure and
face that might be his. But if it were Eurick's face, he'd changed more than
Mary.
"Do you need anything?" Mary asked.
:I don't imagine you have a lot of contacts here."
Terry shook his head. "No, I think you and
Eurick are the only people I'm planning to look up."
"I kind of lost track of mostly everyone
too, after Craig died," Mary said.
"I can imagine . . . I wish I'd been here,
to give you my sympathy, back then."
Mary looked up, stark, almost fierce. "It
was a relief," she said.
She got up and walked into the kitchen, which
was a section of the room defined by a row of cabinets. "Craig made my
life hell," she said, as Terry rummaged around in his mind for something
to say. Her voice was calm, as if she were recounting some other person's life.
She moved around the kitchen area, pulling out tools and food. Her mother used
to do that, too -- cook or wash dishes while talking to people, as if they were
part of the family.
"So. How old is Dylan now? I guess he must
be getting pretty big." Terry felt the awkwardness of the subject change,
as if he was reproving her with Craig's child. Not what he meant to do.
"Seven." He face lit up. "You
wait. You'll love him. We's a great kid. He's really attached to Eurick, and
Eurick's really attached to him. They're lucky to have each other."
She lifted a large blue teakettle down from a
high shelf. She filled it with water and set it to the flame, frowning pensively
while Terry failed to come up with an appropriate comment.
"You know," she said. "I think
I've been happier these four years than ever in my life before. Even with all
that happened. Craig just wasn't like a regular person. He didn't feel the same
things other people do. It's so much easier to understand Eurick."
"I never understood Eurick," terry
said. "I liked him --" he almost said he loved him -- "and I
admired him, you know, his generosity, his friendliness, his cleverness. His
ability to handle social situations. But I never understood him. He was always
doing something for somebody, but I never knew what he wanted for himself."
Or dared to hope that he could guess.
"Well," Mary said. "Forgive me,
but it would have been unrealistic to expect you to understand anybody in those
days." She smiled. "Before you understood yourself."
Terry let it pass. "So how come you married
Craig in the first place instead of Eurick? Do you mind my asking?"
"Well, you know how it was with Eurick in
those days. Everybody wanted him. Right?" Terry grimaced in acknowledgment.
"And who could tell with him whether he was being generally friendly or
specifically loving? And Craig. Craig seemed to really want me at the time."
"That makes sense,"
"But what Craig wanted wasn't me in particular
at all, but something else. I was just a piece of the apparatus for getting
it."
"What was it?"
Mary looked blank.
Then, "I almost figured that out. But it's
scary to think about what life would have been like he'd gotten it."
"Anyway, you ended up with Eurick after
all."
She produced a teapot as red as the kettle was
blue, stared at it for a moment and turned to a rack crowded with little containers
and knotted bags. She chose one of those and filled her palm with some kind
of dried vegetable matter. "When Craig was sick only Eurick was able to
help me. He was there all the time. You know how he is. He did the dirty work,
too, not just the easy stuff. He was already better help with Dylan than Craig
ever was. Then Craig passed the disease on to Eurick and I helped him through
that. Taking care of each other brought us together."
Terry searched the room again for signs of Eurick
as Mary went on with the arcane process of making tea. His eyes fell on -- Eurick
himself, his cheek gone pale and his jaw gone firm, his full lips pinched at
the corners, his eyes feverish. He was still, in Terry's eyes, beautiful, though
he'd clearly lost more than youth. As if he had never quite recovered from the
illness Mary had not named. His hand rested on the shoulder of a small wiry
shorthaired boy, with a tiny curl like a piglet's tail at the nape of his neck
and a silver chain dipping into his t shirt. It was the kind of chain that the
boys were wearing these days, thinking somehow it made them look tough.
Eurick studied him with his head cocked like
a bird. "Terry?" he ventured at last, as if he couldn't believe it.
Mary triumphed. "Look at him, doesn't he
look good? I bet you run, don't you, Terry? I thought so, that's what you look
like. You look just like Dylan, and he runs everywhere he goes."
Eurick hung back, smiling, not coming closer
or offering to embrace Terry like the old days or even to shake his hand. At
least the smile framed by deep creases looked genuine. But the lack of a physical
greeting was really different.
"So you're back," Eurick said. "For
good?"
"I don't know. I think so."
"Too cold back East?"
"Just about. Icy. So I'm out here looking
for hot times in the sunny Mission District."
Eurick wavered. "Look, I'm sorry to be a
bad host," he finally said. "But I'm going to have to leave you and
Mary for a few minutes. I've got a deadline and I have to call in some work."
He didn't wait for Terry to answer, but melted through one of the two doors
next to the kitchen area.
"He works from home, like me," Mary
said. "It's a lucky thing for him. He only has to deal with people once
in a while."
Terry couldn't keep his eyebrows from raising.
Eurick had been the one who was friends with everybody, able to carry on conversations
with the jocks and grinds and the guys who flaunted their Hippie Hill experiences.
Now he was "lucky" not to have to deal with people.
Eurick apparently worked in software, and Mary
was not surprised that Terry did the same. He mentioned being a librarian, but
did not this time run on about what a privilege that job had been, an exaltation
to seek and find what people wanted, to gain them access to the storehouse of
human experience and opinion. The gratification he could not have described
anyway, from placing right into a person's hands the exact book or magazine
or citation they needed, even if the right question had not been asked.
"Well, lunch is ready, we can eat,"
Mary said, and Terry got the pungent-smelling pot and carried it to the large
brass cruciform trivet on the table which nestled up against the kitchen counter
on the livingroom side. Dylan, who had disappeared, reappeared with bowls and
round spoons -- three. "Rabbit stew again," he said, with a face that
said his mock complaint was not meant to hide a kind of pride.
"We raise them," Mary apologized. "You
know about urban homesteading? We practice French intensive method gardening
out back too."
Tearing off chunks of an intriguing brown bread,
she continued, "I hope it isn't all too spicy for you. Since Craig died
I've been kind of a health fanatic and I use garlic and herbs kind of to excess.
People say. We're used to it and don't notice mostly. They're very protective,"
she added, somewhat defensively. "I'd feel defenseless without them. Garlic
is good for your cholesterol and your blood pressure and it's an antibacterial
too."
"Not to mention keeping away evil spirits,"
Terry joked.
Mary looked up and around at the room, festooned
with equal-opportunity talismans and fetiches. "Don't laugh too hard,"
she said. "My little hobby has been very good to me. Those superstitious
toys give me a good living." She nodded her head to indicate a series of
medium-sized paintings along the wall, each one bordered with crosses and stars
and less familiar motifs.
Mary's warning was on target. The food was all
very strong tasting. The brown bread, with its chunks of garlic and whole little
bitter leaves scattered through it, was different from anything Terry had ever
eaten. He did like it, and he said so.
Conversation began to lag as the meal ran down.
Mary asked Dylan about school and Dylan was evasive. He volunteered that one
of his classmates was stupid and prejudiced because he kept saying that bats
suck people's blood. "I told him bats just eat bugs and stuff and he wouldn't
even listen."
Just when Terry thought he ought to be leaving
and was mentally composing his farewells, Eurick emerged and Terry relaxed again
into the straight back of the chair.
"That's taken care of for a while,"
Eurick said, his fingers trailing across Mary's arm as he passed to the far
end of the room. He sat down under a large tapestry depicting a figure raising
its arm to a sky filled with fantastic flying things. Whether the gesture was
a demonstration of power or an act of supplication or warding Terry couldn't
tell. Eurick looked as if he'd fallen asleep over his work and had intriguing
dreams, flushed, with softened features and almost the suggestion of a smirk.
"So. Tell me the story of your life, Terry," he said.
Terry recapped the last fifteen years with too
much ease. Though his life had seemed, as he lived it, to have a reasonable
number of events in it, in the telling it sounded flat, bleak and lonely to
a degree he hadn't noticed at the time. -- Though he had been conscious of being
a fish out of water in so many ways. In every group he'd been the Only: either
the only westerner, or the only person with his taste in music, the only person
with his politics, the only librarian, the only gay man, the only runner.
Eurick was not so forthcoming. He said he "did
software" freelance, and went into no detail. Then, "I was lucky enough
to move in with Mary after Craig died. I'm the beneficiary: I got a ready-made
family out of the deal. I don't know if I'd ever have had one otherwise."
Dylan lingered with the grownups for a little
while, making a show of collecting and stacking the lunch dishes. Terry felt
him watching him. He wondered what the boy wanted from him. He couldn't remember
what he'd thought of his parents' unfamiliar visitors. Suddenly he walked over
to Terry and dangled his silver chain before him. It was hung with three or
four charms. "You should have one of these too. I bet my mom would make
you one. She made this one."
Terry, caught off guard, giggled. Shrugged. "Why
do you think I should have one?"
"Because everybody around here wears one.
You said you were going to live around here, right?" Mary and Eurick were
both very alert, watching this conversation. Terry had noticed other parents
doing this too, uncomfortable when their children spoke for themselves.
"Sure," Terry said, and didn't have
to say more, because Dylan galloped grinning out of the room,
"You've got a fan," Eurick said. "He
doesn't take to everybody. It's all been kind of hard on him."
"The funniest thing," Mary started.
"I just made a necklace like Dylan's a little while ago. I don't do much
silver work, but I just felt like it. And what's funnier, is I was thinking
about you when I made it. I'd just uncovered your last letter and I was just
thinking about you and that ankh belt you used to have. Do you still have it?
It looks like it would still fit you."
"Funniest thing," Terry repeated, rolling
up the hem of his cotton sweater to reveal the buckle sitting perfectly aligned
over his neat fly. "I carried it everywhere I moved to. I don't usually
wear it," a slight artificial laugh at the great understatement. "But
I got it out the other day and I've been wearing it ever since. You know Eurick
gave it to me, don't you?"
Eurick winced.
"Yes, I remember," Mary said, with
her own self-deprecating laugh: and Terry remembered it was the same night she
had given Eurick the unsettling gift. Then, "Wait right here," she
said, ducking into one of the doors that opened off the main room.
She came out gently swinging a silver chain that
was both rustic and delicate, with three little talismans hanging from it. He
recognized the St. Andrews Cross and the weird little hand, but the third thing
was new to him, a thing like an anchor with a very thick bottom.
"Duck your head," she said and stood
over him like a queen about to bestow a knighthood. Terry looked into her too-serious
eyes for half a beat, and then bobbed his head indulgently.
"See, it's long enough so you can tuck it
into your shirt. But wear it outside, It becomes you." She backed up with
her head to one side, admiring the effect.
Eurick agreed from across the room. "Mary
likes to put those on people, but she's right this time," he said. "I
like it. Kind of an ironic contrast to your generally preppy look. I'd like
to see you in it all the time."
Terry had a dangerous thought: he could make
Eurick look at him.
Terry lay long awake that night. He hadn't failed
to notice how Eurick kept his distance through the whole visit, despite his
warm words and interested questions. In their high school days, they'd all been
touchy-feely: the group hug had been in vogue. Eurick had been freer with his
body than anybody in those days. Terry remembered his first hug fest, how he'd
hung back, stiff and uncomfortable, both longing for and dreading the contact,
and how Eurick had drawn him in. Another time, much later, he'd lingered a fraction
of a moment too long in Eurick's arms. Eurick looked at him in a puzzled way
but neither of them said anything about it. They hadn't even felt it necessary
to avoid touching each other after that.
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