The Donor
Chapter 19
Terry reeled, spun away from Eurick by some force.
There was wild motion in front of him confusing his vision, and he could hear
shouting but he couldn't understand it. That was Jack, who must have pushed
him back, and what was he doing with Eurick? What was he trying to do? He couldn't
do anything to Eurick. Terry knew that. Eurick was too strong. Jack was hitting
Eurick, landing blows that would have been effective against another person.
But Eurick was just stepping backward, leading Jack away, as Jack followed swinging,
hitting at him.
Terry weaved. Blood spurted briefly from the
wound inside his elbow. The flow reverted to a seep even before Terry folded
his arm to put pressure on the wound. The room swayed sickeningly. He stayed
upright by orienting to Eurick's bright eyes. In the light of those eyes he
could make out Jack and what he was doing. What was the blood on Eurick's face?
Jack couldn't have hurt him.
"Stop it," he said with effort. "Leave
him alone."
It seemed like Jack couldn't hear Terry. He pulled
back to hit Eurick again. This time Eurick caught his wrist and held it. "Stop
it. You'll hurt yourself. You don't have to," he added. "It's over."
He released Jack's wrist and Jack retreated only
a step, just in arm's reach of Terry. Terry turned his head slowly between Jack
and Eurick and the couch, where he could sit and the room would stay still.
It was not far. He could get there.
"You bet it's over," Jack said, reaching
out an arm to steady Terry.
Eurick said, "I didn't intend to take so
much. I'm sorry."
"I thought you were such the nice guy,"
Jack said bitterly, moving Terry backwards to the couch. Terry pressed on his
bent arm. The joint was sticky. The blood trickling down tickled his elbow.
Eurick followed, saying, "I got carried
away. I saw you watching and I expected you to interrupt sooner. I forgot to
pay attention to the flow, because I was watching you."
Jack shook his head impatiently. "Why do
you do it?" The box of bandages was just beyond Terry's reach.
"Terry offered. It was better than the rabbits'
blood," Eurick said simply, as if Jack knew all the other stuff.
"What the hell is wrong with a rare beefsteak?"
Jack asked. "You're the last person I would expect. Mr. Unassuming upstairs,
wouldn't hurt a fly!"
It was true that Eurick wouldn't hurt a fly.
Terry said, "He has to. He needs it."
Eurick winced. "It was imposed on me. I
would have liked to have died instead, but that opportunity was missed. So now
I live like this. I don't prey. I've never had blood that wasn't freely offered."
"I can't believe Terry is in any shape to
freely do anything tonight."
"I worried about that too. I did check with
him."
"Yeah, I saw that. I heard. That was a real
convincing show of will. 'I want to give it to you' -- give me a break."
"You saw everything?" Terry asked,
staring at the box of bandages as if he could shorten the distance by looking
at it. In another minute he'd have recovered enough to stand up and get the
bandages.
At least he wasn't passed out. And he seemed
to be able to speak for himself.
Jack went on as if he hadn't heard Terry speak.
"I heard you ask Terry if he wanted to do it. Yeah. I never heard Terry
say no to anything yet. Except for talking about this."
"People say no too much," terry said.
Eurick was looking at Jack. "Do you know
what I'm talking about? This affliction of mine can take away a person's ability
to even see people as people. It could have made me into a mindless predator.
That hasn't happened to me. I refuse to let it. I'll only accept what's given
to me. I won't hurt anybody. I refuse to."
"If that's what your intention is, you're
blowing it," Jack said. "You're hurting Terry."
Terry said, "I'm all right."
Eurick pulled a bandage from the box. He started
to bring it to Terry but he handed it to Jack instead. "I think you underestimate
Terry," he said to Jack. "He's not weak, just generous."
And he was gone.
Terry took the bandage from Jack and started
trying to tear open the paper wrapper. It was hard. His elbow joint opened a
little and trapped blood was released, smearing over the skin.
"Jesus, you're a mess," Jack said.
"How can you let him do this to you?"
"You said you saw," Terry said. "He
didn't do anything. I did it myself."
"You let him put his mouth on an open wound,"
Jack said, wiping away the wet smears, scrubbing at the dry ones. "I would
have thought you'd have kept it clean at least."
"He's sterile," Terry said. "Too
cold for germs to grow."
"You have an answer for everything, don't
you?" Jack took the bandage from Terry's hand and opened it with one tear
and smoothed it on Terry's arm."
"I'm calling the cops," Jack said.
"I won't press charges.,"
"I'll take you to the hospital, anyway.
Remember what Loria said last time."
"I'm not in shock. I'm going to be all right."
"You've lost too much blood. Let me take
you in."
"No. I won't. I've got all weekend to rest
and make new blood cells."
"If you don't get better I'll take you in
whether you like it or not."
"I'll get better. I always do."
"Okay." Jack sat back on his heels,
still pressing on Terry's wound. "I'm kind of in a bind here. On the one
hand, I can't force you to stop. I can't seem to talk you out of it. But I'm
not willing to sit around and watch you be somebody's dinner. And I'm not willing
to walk away and leave you to your fate either. You might be dying now if I
hadn't stopped him. Something has to give."
"It's an ultimatum, right?"
"No. Not an ultimatum. Just a statement
of fact."
"Don't ask me to choose."
"I wouldn't dream of it. You've already
chosen. I'm only pointing out that the way things are at this moment can't last."
"I always knew that."
"I don't think we're talking about the same
thing," Jack said.
"Could I have a glass of water?"
Jack sighed and stood up. When he brought the
glass back to Terry, he sat down next to him on the couch. "Your skin's
cold," Jack said.
Terry drained the glass. "You're hot,"
he said. "That's why you think I'm cold."
"You have a thermometer? where do you keep
it?"
"Medicine cabinet. What are you going to
do?"
Jack was gone and back again with the thermometer.
"You won't believe anything I tell you," he said. "Open your
mouth."
"I just drank a glass of water. That will
bring my temperature down."
"We'll leave it in longer. Unless you want
it rectally."
"No glass in my ass, thank you," Terry
said, but Jack didn't smile. Terry opened his mouth and accepted the thermometer.
He sat with it while Jack stood, paced, stood, his hands in his black pockets,
the crystals in his ear dark spots until he walked across the pool of light
and they flashed. Finally Jack came and took the thermometer.
"It must be broken," Jack said. He
wiped it off and stuck it under his own tongue. Terry closed his eyes but he
didn't think he slept.
"Nope, it works," Jack said. "My
temperature's ninety-nine."
"I told you were hot."
Jack shook the thermometer down and wiped it
off. "ninety-nine's not a fever, idiot. Again." Terry gaped obediently,
waited again.
"How low can a person's temperature get?"
Jack asked.
How low is it?"
"As low as it gets. It's not possible. Open
up, let's do it again."
It was ninety-four again. Now Terry felt it.
"I'm going to bed," he said. "I'm going to put extra blankets
on the bed."
"I don't know. I think I really should take
you in. Or call Dr. Something."
"I'm always better in the morning. Anyway,
I think all you're supposed to do when someone's cold is wrap them up in blankets."
Terry thought about rising for a moment before he did it and so was able to
put on a credible show of walking to the bedroom. Jack followed.
"Let me take you to my place at least."
"I don't want to go outside. I'll be all
right, really," watching Jack fuss, yanking open drawers, pulling out blankets.
"I'll bring you some teas before you go
to sleep."
"I'll be asleep before you get water in
the pot."
In the morning there was a thermos and a cup
by the bed. Terry had no idea where Jack had slept. Now Terry could hear him
in the kitchen, tapping on keys. He'd gone home at some time and brought over
his computer. Nothing else made a noise quite like Jack's disk drive. It honked
and jeered softly. Terry sat up tentatively, but he was not too badly off, just
thirsty, with a mild headache. He poured himself some acrid tea from the thermos
and drank it. He drank two cups before he went out to stand unsteadily before
Jack.
Jack stared up from the keyboard. Terry said,
"Don't say anything to me. I'm thinking about what you said. I'll talk
to you tomorrow. But don't say anything to me about it until then."
Jack stuck out his lower lip reflectively. "That
won't do," he said. "I'm not going to let you twist away from me this
time."
"Just a day. I'm too tired to talk anyway.
I just want to think."
"I want to stop Eurick."
"Eurick will stop. He has stopped. I've
stopped. But let me think before we talk."
Jack sighed. "I give you until tomorrow
night. That's all. Then I have to do something."
Terry sat on his bed. All he could do was think
in circles. Jack tapped away at the keyboard in the kitchen, occasionally bringing
Terry something warm and wet: soup, porridge, tea. He took Terry's request literally
and didn't talk to him at all, though Terry heard him talk on the phone a couple
of times.
To Terry it seemed as if he had lost something
more than too much blood. He reviewed the whole night, starting with the meeting
on the stairs. The remembered the preparations he had made for Eurick, and the
call he had made to Jack -- obviously he'd known it was wrong and he hadn't
been able to stop it despite the strange conversation with Eurick -- and did
Eurick stage that for Jack's benefit? He'd said he'd known he was there.
Eurick wasn't getting ready to stop when Jack
stepped in. What Eurick had said to Jack -- he was expecting Jack to interrupt
before it was dangerous. Terry had been trusting Eurick to stop, and Eurick
had been depending on outside signals. But Terry couldn't have given them. For
the first time Terry consciously admitted that Eurick could possibly be capable
of hurting him, and that was the greater loss.
And Terry had to admit that he had noticed frightening
changes in himself. Too many things. The irritation around his neck where the
silver chain and its talismans touched his skin. That dog that used to love
him and hated him now. The helplessness he felt in the face of Eurick's hunger.
The way he felt -- both the longing and the dread. It wasn't supposed to take
over his life. That delicious odor he kept smelling, coming from people -- it
was disturbing in the same way as the hot, greasy and pungent air that flows
over the sidewalk from a restaurant's fan vents.
"Jack said something has to give, but something
already has," he thought.
He had never pretended that his motives had been
entirely pure. But he had thought he could help Eurick and Mary, and all he
had done was to hurt them, and himself. He'd called it a gift. Some gift.
Finally Terry came up behind Jack tapping away
at the kitchen table. He slipped his arms around Jack's shoulders and leaned
his head down to Jack's ear. "The thing I wanted most in the world was
to help Eurick and Mary," Terry said. "Now I'm afraid I have to lose
them to help them."
Jack turned in his chair and put his arms around
Terry. "You have me," he said. "I know it's still a loss, but
you do have me."
Terry planned to go to work on Monday but Jack
turned the alarm off. When Terry woke it was already past nine o'clock, so he
called in sick. He had to admit he really couldn't have put in a full day's
work.
Jack started in on him first thing. "You
have to see a doctor," he said. "Dr. Loria wanted to test you after
the last time and you're worse this time."
"I need spinach and chicken soup,"
Terry said. "Collard greens, and like that. I'll be okay soon. I'll be
back at work tomorrow. Thursday at the latest."
"Look, I know Dr. Loria will work you in
today," Jack said. "I could get you in with another doctor, but you'd
have to come up with a whole new story."
Terry shivered. "I don't want to talk to
him."
"Be cause he was right?"
"He wasn't right. You still don't get it.
You still think Eurick made this happen. He didn't. He accepted my offer, that's
all."
"You really offered to die for him? You
really said, 'here's my blood -- drain it all?' And he accepted?"
"No, that wasn't the plan."
"I should hope not."
Terry closed his eyes, ready to doze off again,
but Jack wasn't done.
"So which is it, Terry -- Loria or a new
doctor?"
"Loria," Terry whispered. "But
tell him I won't talk to him. Just the medical exam, that's all."
There was another room at Dr. Loria's office,
somewhat more like a regular doctor's examination room. It had the sterile examination
table, anyway, and a sterile tray of equipment. Otherwise, the wallpaper was
just liked the wallpaper in the other room, with the repeating pattern of birches
and willows in soft earth tones.
The first part of the appointment was almost
entirely without speech. Terry didn't talk at all, and Jack and the doctor only
exchanged a few words, inhibited by Terry's stoniness. As Dr. Loria drew blood
for the test Terry looked over at Jack who was biting his lip. "It's only
a little blood," he said, almost his first words, but Jack wasn't ready
to joke about it.
"I'll have the results of the hematocrit
this afternoon, and the HIV you asked for in a few days," Dr. Loria said.
"But from looking at you, and knowing what I do, I think I can prescribe
now. Come on in the other room and I'll write the scrip there."
Terry slid off the table, Jack's hand under his
elbow.
Terry scooted his chair closer to Jack, and Jack
did the same, but it still felt like the chairs were too far apart. Jack twined
his fingers around Terry's hand as Dr. Loria wrote.
"So Jack tells me you decided to stop,"
he said conversationally, not looking up.
Terry didn't answer.
Dr. Loria looked up. "Some people find it
easier for them to stop if they confront the person, or even press charges."
Terry stiffened, ready to bolt, but Jack gripped
him, pushing down.
"Terry doesn't think his friend meant to
harm him," Jack said. "He thinks it was a matter of losing control."
Terry studied the birches and willows on the
wall. Let them talk.
"I imagine he's right," Dr. Loria said.
"I'm only telling you the experience of others. It can be a hard cycle
to break. Even after what he's been through. Maybe especially after. It can
be very compelling."
You don't know what compelling is, Terry thought.
"Terry thinks he can maintain his friendship,"
Jack said.
Terry wondered if he could maintain his friendship
with Jack after this.
"I'm not surprised," Dr. Loria said.
"It takes time to come to terms with something like this." He tore
the pages off the pad, but Terry only knew because of the sound: all he saw
were the birches and willows. Other than that: his own clenched teeth, Jack's
fingers digging into his hand, the slight persistent ache of his wound. Jack
took the prescriptions.
"I don't understand all these," Jack
said. Terry looked down from the birches and willows. The papers were very white
and black after the low-contrast of the tracery on the wall.
The first page was for the pharmacist, Terry
could tell that. Something about iron, written "Fe," and vitamins.
But there was a word before the word vitamins: "Prenatal?" guessed
Jack.
"Yes. Prenatal vitamins without iron, and
iron pills. He's going to need about what a pregnant woman needs, so he might
as well take what she takes."
"Is this standard?"
"No, but neither is Terry."
The next page was recommendations for rest and
fluids, and the last was a list of books to read about his behavior. He handed
the stack back to Jack and let his vision float back to the birches and willows.
Mary looked as if she didn't want to let Terry
in.
"I need to talk to him," Terry said.
"It's not going to happen like that any more."
She stepped aside for him, her lips pinched out
of all welcome.
There was no answer when he knocked on the door,
but it was unlocked, and Terry oozed in.
Eurick didn't look up. But Terry could see he
was rosy and full, but not settled. That was the disturbing, demanding, hungry
glow. And he could see that Eurick's face was set in misery, that he hated being
like this. Eurick was frightened.
"Eurick."
He didn't look up.
"Eurick. I'm not going to take the chain
off again. Not around you."
Eurick looked up at last. His lips were bleeding:
his own blood. He'd been chewing on them.
"I always said you didn't have to."
"I know. You didn't do anything wrong, Eurick.
You need to know that. I was just wrong about it being so safe, is all. Look."
He pulled at his shirt to expose his collarbone, where the chain had begun to
erode the skin. "I was starting the change. My temperature went really
low. Jack started to smell like food to me. It's scary."
Eurick picked at the tag of flesh on his lip.
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. I talked you into
it. I thought your goodwill was enough. I should have listened to you."
Eurick nodded regretfully. "I knew. I let
myself forget.,"
"I talked you into it," Terry repeated.
"I was willing to be talked into it."
Neither said anything for a minute.
"Mary doesn't really know," Eurick
said. "She thinks she knows. She thinks it was just that one night. It
wasn't. There were months before. I thought at first if I did it Craig would
leave Mary alone, and our friends. But I was almost over the edge anyway, and
he started in on someone else. Not Mary. He needed her. Like I do." He
made a face. He left unsaid what Terry knew to be true, that Eurick actually
loved Mary. He paused.
"I was almost over the edge, right? I knew
it. I also knew something had to be done about Craig. I let him think I wanted
to be like him. Not being like him was the only thing I cared about. I still
care about it."
Eurick looked up again. "Mary thinks I don't
remember the details of that last night. I remember. I don't talk about it."
Another pause. "I was very lucky. Not about
living through it. About Craig not living through it. I really expected both
of us to really die. That was the plan. I thought the sunrise would do the last
bit. But sunrise doesn't do much at all."
Terry expected to hear the whole story now, but
Eurick shook his head at the past. "I guess you must have thought I was
so strong because I'm here and Craig's not. But all I have is a little luck
and good intentions."
Terry said, "I don't think we'd be having
this conversation if you didn't have something more than good intentions."
Eurick barely acknowledge what Terry said.
Terry took a deep breath. "The rabbits."
Eurick waited.
"You're wrong about the rabbits. If it's
okay for a fox to eat a rabbit, it's okay for Mary and Dylan to eat a rabbit,
it's okay for you to drink their blood."
"Yeah. You were probably right about that
in the first place."
Terry couldn't remember what he had said in the
first place. He recalled being willing, when Eurick said he wanted to wean himself
off them.
"They weren't as satisfying," Eurick
went on, swallowing as if he had a mouth full of bile, "It was really different.
Your blood. I can't remember anything that good. Like hot soup when you're hungry
and cold. Better. The only time I ever really felt warm."
For a terrifying instant Terry wasn't sure Eurick
wasn't trying to talk him out of the decision. But he was just memorializing.
"Oh, well. Can we stay friends?" Eurick
asked.
"If Mary can forgive me for wrecking things."
"You didn't. Things aren't wrecked. We couldn't
have this conversation if things were wrecked. You'd have to kill me, now."
"I just wanted to give you and Mary something
really big," Terry said. :I didn't want to cause any harm."
"You didn't. You've done a world of good
for Dylan." His voice rose a little with effort. "In a way it's good
that these things have happened."
"People always say that after a disaster.
Nobody can ever say in what way it's good."
Eurick shrugged.
"Well, goodbye," Terry said, turning
to the door.
"Wait," Eurick said.
Terry stopped. Eurick stood and pulled Terry
into an embrace. Terry froze in fear. But this was just an embrace, and Eurick
pulled him very close, giving him a long, dry, cold kiss on the mouth.
"Thanks again," he said, releasing
him.
Jack had given up any pretense of being able
to concentrate while Terry was upstairs. Terry found him lying on the couch
with the television on. He shifted and patted the space he made on the couch.
Terry sat down.
"I told him it won't be like that any more,"
Terry said. "That's all."
Jack, elated, grabbed Terry's hands in his. His
smile faded as Terry sniffed. Terry was moist all over, with a cold sweat from
the exertion of going up and down stairs, and now, this threat of tears.
"You're really going to miss it," Jack
said in wonderment.
"Not how you think. I meant to help. It
didn't help."
Jack still held Terry's hands.
"Everything I said before is true,"
Terry said. "If you could feel how it is when he's really hungry, you'd
understand."
"Maybe. I'm just glad you're not doing that
any more," Jack said.
"You don't have to worry about me any more,"
Terry said.
"I thought I explained that," Jack
said. "If I love you, I get to worry about you. It's part of the package."
"I don't see how I could give you much to
worry about now," Terry said.
There was a knock at the door. Jack went to answer
it. Terry stayed in a moist heap on the couch.
"No, I'm not," he heard Jack say. "But
he's here."
Terry straightened himself on the way to the
door. A policeman was there, compact, lean, brown and respectable. A defender
of victims from perpetrators. But he would be here on some outreach mission.
"You're Terry Revier?"
Terry nodded, his heart racing. Why ask for him
by name? He couldn't think of anything he could have done. Not even parking
tickets -- no car.
"We have a complaint on your behalf. Assault.
We need your statement to fill in the details." The eyes bland, alert for
signs. Terry must look suspicious, pale and shaky, his eyes red.
"There must be a mistake. I haven't assaulted
anyone."
"Sorry, the complaint is that someone assaulted
you."
"That's a mistake too," Terry said.
"Nobody's done anything to me."
The policeman looked from Jack to Terry. He probably
thinks it's Jack and I'm afraid to say so, he thought. "I can't imagine
where this information comes from. It's false, though." To explain why
he looked so bad, he said, "I'm sorry, I've just had some bad news and
I don't really want to figure this out, okay?"
The policeman was nonplused, and didn't press
for details.
"That's your clever Dr. Loria for you,"
Terry said to Jack. "I guess he thought he was doing me a favor."
Jack took Terry in his arms, letting him stand
there shaking for a long time.
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Donor index
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Crystal Egg